It was 21st Century night on Idol, and as I suspected, at least one person skirted the “songs from the 21st century” theme by using a song that was covered in the 21st century but is really an older song. But we actually got six songs from this century, and that may be a record for the show.
Not a chop
The evicted singers returned for a group sing tonight. Paul was, of course, the standout, delivering his trademark strangled vocals for So What, the lyrics of which, I suppose, are somewhat apropos for the cast offs. Paul’s voice was so ill suited for this Pink song that I started laughing when he made his entrance, and when his voice cracked Peter Brady-like during the performance, I lost it. Naima went completely off her nut during the performance, throwing her jacket directly on the camera and then making ninja jumps all over the stage.
Thia was still boring and Pia did her pee pee poses. There were a couple of other chicks there too. Pat yourself on the back if you can remember their names. On the whole, it was a bit of filler to pad the 90 minute runtime and a way to bring Pia back to the stage.
Oh, and Steven Tyler looked like a Gelfling tonight.
If I had to bet which singer wouldn’t really adhere to the 21st century rule, I would have put my money on Scotty, and so it was. Although Swingin’ was attributed to LeAnn Rimes, it was a John Anderson song first recorded in 1983. Jimmy Iovine said that at 17, Scotty was “old enough to know what this song’s about”, and it’s about sexy times. So score one for Jimmy in the “sexually inappropriate comments to minors” department. That was enough to beat out Steven Tyler by a score of 1-0.
There was a deep bassy part of the song that worked well for Scotty’s voice, but that was the only part of the song that was interesting. The rest of it was pretty unexciting and plodding, and shockingly enough, the judges (well, J. Lo & Randy at least) called him on it. Randy even went so far as to say it was boring in places. Here’s a hint Scotty, if you want a more entertaining performance, don’t fall asleep in the middle of the song.
Just ten more minutes...
The only truly interesting thing about the song were the serial killer faces Scotty was making. Haley and Lauren better watch out for Scotty or they might end up as skin suits one day. Especially Lauren.
It puts the lotion in the basket
James finally brought the show into the 21st century, tackling Uprising by Muse. James amped up the theatrics tonight, entering the from the back of the theater like a wrestler and accompanied by a drumline. He had one of those Freddie Mercury half mic stands that he wielded around like a cane and stalked the stage like he was in a touring company of Phantom. It just needed some dry ice and flood lights to complete the set. It was all… oh, I dunno — ADAM LAMBERT.
Tonight was the night when the contestants talked about each other, and I was wondering if any of them had to balls to refer to his tics. True to form, they just talked about his wailing , his tail, and his limbo poses.
During the little chat session with Ryan, James came out in a shirt that was a wee to tight on him, resulting in the buttons puckering around his gut when he sat down.
But it turned out that this was merely a wardrobe appetizer — when he hit the stage, he was dressed like some sort of Pirate Ninja. If I were him, I would have accessorized a bit more to accentuate the pirate look.
Shiver me timbers!
The first verse was a bit too low for James, and most of the lyrics were unintelligible. He had some nice control on some very high wailing notes, and those were indeed the highlights of the performance. The rest of it was washed out and mumbly sounding.
Jennifer said that James was probably going to be the most theatrical performance of the night. Randy misinterpreted this as James probably being the best performance of the night. J. Lo didn’t bother correcting him.
Oh, by the way, you know who else dressed like a pirate a few season ago?
Just sayin
After wearing a dress so short that she almost flashed the audience, Haley
dressed more demurely tonight. And not only did she tone down the hootchie wardrobe, she also toned down some of the really egregiously spazzy dance moves. In fact, there was a point during Haley’s seated and relatively still performance of Rolling in the Deep that I actually wondered if she was going to be able to keep the spazz outs to a bare minimum. In fact, the only real criticism I had was the tendency for people who sing Adele songs to mispronounce every other word like Thia’s Chasing Pavements
or Gwyneth Paltrow’s rendition of Turning Tables on Glee. I mean sure, she did stick her arm out halfway every now and then, but it wasn’t the full body Tourette’s that I drives me completely bonkers. And then, in the middle of the song, she started to get off her stool. And then I knew what was coming, and I couldn’t do anything about it other than bury my face in my hands and ask, “dear God, WHY!?!”
What came next was an onslaught of arm extensions (NO!), squats (NO!), full body tilts (NO!), finger wagging (Please God, stop!), shoulder shimmies (Why are you doing this?), shoulder shrugs (Oh, the humanity!) and that weird marching in place dance move that she cannot keep herself from executing. Oh, and growls. Horrible, horrible growls. Somewhere in that mess were the rudiments of a good performance, but I cannot cut through the visual sensory overload to digest it. The way it’s going, the only way I could ever even begin to enjoy a Haley performance is if she took the stage dressed like this:
Please make it happen.
The other Idols pointed out some of these performance tics in the pre-song package, and Haley didn’t seem to take it in good humor. Also not taken in good humor? The rumored but almost certainly true failed relationship between her and Stefano (the one where he broke up with her to make time with Pia). Stefano said that they had a “love/hate relationship” and then trailed off. Haley said it was “more on the hate side”. While Stefano smiled throughout, Haley didn’t look that thrilled about the topic. Maybe one day they will bury the hatchet together.
Deciding that he should be obviously obvious this week, Jacob chose a Luther Vandross
song since the judges dubbed him Baby Luther. I can see the similarities (the rotund figure, the gospel origins, and living on the down low), but when did Luther sound like he was singing under water? It sounds like he’s gurgling or drowning while singing, and it is the most unpleasant sound in the competition — both Haley and Casey’s growls don’t come close. And not only is this gurgly singing annoying to listen to, it also results in mushily rendered lyrics that are oftentimes difficult to make out.
I will have to commend Jacob for being able to make it through the bulk of Dance With My Father without the in ear monitor. He got a bit tripped up in the beginning and passed over a few lyrics, and then eventually had to take the monitor out altogether. Yes, he still had a few pitch problems, but no more than usual. J. Lo said, “emotionally, it was beautiful”. Read between the lines — it was “emotionally” beautiful, but not vocally beautiful. Randy followed up by criticizing the vocals themselves. It appears that the judges were ordered to be tougher on the contestants this week to counter to growing criticism that the judges are too soft and aren’t offering anything to the audience or singers. Still not razor sharp, but at least they’re more than just rainbows and air kisses.
For Casey’s pre-song piece, the contestants all wore a fake beard and played the melodica that Casey likes to blow on. Haley asked, “how many mouths have been on this thing?”, referring, I suppose, to Casey’s melodica and not, say, Casey’s mellow dick-a.
Harder to Breathe was a glop of karaoke Casey style, with pulled faces and growls. It started off as more garage band, but somewhere around the time Casey started working the crowd, it just turned into a karaoke growl-fest. And it’s a shame that, instead of building on the foundation of last week’s performance, Casey decided to go Jack Black on the crowd, only with less vocal talent and less guitar prowess.
Stunningly, J. Lo and Randy both raved about it. I mean, there was zero criticism, and yet this was not really any better than his Smells
Like Teen Spirit performance. Randy said he loved it, but when Casey hits the bottom three, he’ll probably change his tune. Steven was so enthusiastic, he was dropping F-Bombs. I suspect that the producers edict to get tougher with the critiques were predictably lost on Steven, so he was asked instead to be more outrageous. Hence the F-Bombs. And the lipstick stain on his cheek. And sticking his tongue through Ryan’s magazine cover. That was obviously planned — they pre-cut the hole through the cover for him.
But if this performance is to be remembered for anything, it will be 
because Casey ended the song by kissing J. Lo’s cheek. Now, this wasn’t rehearsed — the judges don’t attend the dress rehearsals (they have stand-in judges instead). But it was likely a calculated act on Casey’s part. I can’t tell if this is a good move or not — on one hand, it distracted the viewers from the singing and made an otherwise forgettable performance into a memorable segment. On the other, it makes Casey look like he has to rely on stunts like this because his vocals aren’t that great. One thing’s for sure — as much as the other contestants seemed to go out of their way to play it safe tonight, Casey’s grandstanding earned him the backing of Vote For the Worst. Who knows? Maybe that was part of his strategy.
Ryan closed Casey segment by putting on the beard that had been passed around the contestants. Ryan said, “so this is what it feels like to be a man”. But this isn’t Ryan first beard — why, there’s Julianne Hough from DWTS and before that there was Teri Hatcher. And a prom date before that.
With the beard on, Ryan looked like a wee Amish farmer.
Appealing to the powerful Amish voting block. Outen the lights, English.
Crickets
Stefano in a nutshell.
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He had some spazzy dancing too. Maybe he and Haley really are meant for each other.
Uh… according to the other singers, he’s a playa. *Shrug*
I gots nothing.
Paul puny human! Paul light like feather!
Jimmy Iovine lectured Lauren for essentially the same thing I’ve been talking about for the past two weeks — that is, she’s got a great voice but doesn’t really live up to its potential. Lauren has to attack her songs and be… well, maybe not angry, but… aggressive. Definitely aggressive. Lauren sang Born to Fly, and I can describe her performance in three words — never took off.
It wasn’t bad, per se — as a matter of fact, it was a fine vocal performance. But for all of Iovine’s advice, Lauren still couldn’t make a goosebump-worthy one. She’s got weeks before anyone of her voters will bail on her, and again, it was one of the better performances of the night. But on a sheer entertainment level, James, for instance, is delivering in ways that Lauren seems incapable of. I can say, “there’s always next week” again, but with time running out, she’s going to have to get things clicking before James squeezes her out of the finals.
Oh, and this theory I’ve heard that this is all according to plan and a rope-a-dope strategy on Lauren’s part? Not a chance. She’s sixteen, people.
